The "Perfect Date"

The other day I was sitting with my friends at a cafe shop. The servings included ice-teas,coffee with ice-creams and cappucinos. With the air-conditioner on full blast and serene music in the background..... Bon Jovi's "I will be there for you" to be precise added to the frenzy. Amongst the discussions came up a topic.."DATING" .....!!!!

I was perhaps the person who would have in all likeliness never disclosed that one sweet moment of my life. I am amongst those who strongly believe in preventing private affairs from getting public. While everyone were busy exchanging the stories of their dates and giving thoughts about segregating out the "Perfect" one from them all....I was taken into a completely different dimension. A dimension where lied my "First" date and the even the "Perfect" one. All the events flashed up on my mind as if a video recording was being played. Each of those moments where we were in love and were together.......the first hug.......the long drive on a semi-moonlit night.....she sitting close to me with her head resting on my chest......the warmth of her hand as she snugged herself in as the air conditioner chilled up the car cabin....the romantic music playing softly on the stereo and her fragrance lingering on me and my mind for the next few days.

I had an instant urge and began narrating the incident.......................................

It was a national holiday that day. I was scheduled to meet her that day in the evening. This was our second meeting . Our past meeting had been completely formal and the same was expected event this time. We had started liking each other but never had decided to give words to our feelings. We had planned for a movie and to dine out. Never had we imagined that it would be that glorious day for us when we would be having our first Date..............the Perfect one!!!

Due to some important engagements coming up our meeting was postponed till late evening. Guess, that was the run up to creating that perfect and romantic atmosphere for us to be together. I finished up my day's work and as decided I picked her up from near her home in the evening. We headed straight to my personal favourite hangout"Baristas" at Khan Market!!! We took our exclusive place there....where there was privacy to be away from prying eyes. I ordered her ice tea and we had some light chit-chat.

Then I volunteered and told my feelings to her. This was never in the itenary but as it is said.....Love does finds its way out. She was quite for sometime........a little surprised and whole lot of emotions surfacing up on her face. Finally she responded with an approval of my feelings. I felt that was really the most beautiful moment of my life. I hugged her and it felt as if the warmth of her touch.......reinstated a new life in me !!!!

Unlucky.....am I really???

Today was a beautiful day. Sunny but cool morning coupled with light drizzle in the evening making the atmosphere electrifying. Today I was having my usual schedule until I heard and read something which made my heart flood up with emotions. So finally when the tide went above the head did I sit down to pen down these words.....

Not everyday you feel that you have been so unlucky in life. Not everyday you feel so alone in this world. Not everyday you feel that you don't have that hand to pull you out when you are stuck up in the quicksand of troubles.......you don't have that shoulder where for even a moment though you would find solace and peace of mind. Its real irony that everyone is well aware of the grave facts but still pretends to be strong enough to endure the storms brewing up within.

I did have a similar feeling today. I understood today the levels of loneliness in my heart and mind. I understood today that I have no one whom I could turn up to even at the oddest hours of the day in case I felt insecure. I understood today that I lack the warmth of that one touch which could induce the life force in me when all seemed to have failed.

All this started with a conversation of mine.....a conversation with an old friend,whom I had left back almost half a decade ago. Its really surprising how somethings from your past come back and leave an indelible mark on your mind. I met Debashish today....a friend associated with my gang during my good old school days. We were these seven friends....debashish aka debi......priya aka prips.....soumya aka sums.......parul......manisha......sachin aka sachs.....and ofcourse me or ambo-jumbo as I was better known. Those were the days I can bargain with anything to relive.

I met Debashish today at a cafeteria. I went there with a delegate for some ice tea. As I was entering I saw a familiar figure on the right hand extreme corner seat. A very familiar face looking at me in a shocked and surprised state. It took me sometime to recognise my old pal. It was a warm hug which followed after a handshake. Debashish had been long out of touch with all of us. Rather it was only Manisha and Parul I had been in contact with. Debashish introduced me to his girlfriend and now fiance....Ayesha. I had known about Ayesha and Debashish being together since our school days...precisely standard 11th where they met during the preparatory classes for IIT exams. I remember having very briefly met Ayesha once during school Annual Days. Debashish had persuaded her long to come and meet his bestest buddies of all times.

I wanted to have a chat with Debashish but had an obligation as I had company. So I decided to take up some time today only with him so that we could chat and update ourselves. I finished off with my day's work and as decided I met Debashish in the evening. We sat down at my favourite place....Barista's at Khan Market.I ordered ice teas and told the guy serving us to repeat the order every half an hour as I knew our chats would not just end with one. Debashish took out his laptop and finished doing some work. The ice teas arrived and we started with where we had left.....the day when we went to the school to get our marksheets and school passing certificates. We both narrated the following events..our college life.....cushes.....first job..... etc...etc....etc. Debashish enquired about our other guys and I told them that Manisha and Parul were still in touch with me. I called up Manisha and Debi (Debashish) had a hearty chat with her. Then came the fateful moment when I asked him about Soumya and Priya. They were real close to my heart and I was eager to know their whereabouts.

Soumya or Soumyadeep Dutta and Priya or Priya Mukherjee......were childhood sweethearts. Their respective parents were in the same office and both of them had almost spent their whole childhood together. Soumya was this tall and brooding kinda person with sudden attacks of good humour and witty talks. Priya on the other hand was this tender and sweet girl......intelligent to the core with a good voice. She was trained in classical music and was very talented in all aspects. They had been together since they were five years old and till now hadn't left each other's company. Soumya and Priya both admired each other and finally one fine day Soumya called the shots to her. They looked really so sweet as a couple and really we all felt they should always be together.

After we left school both Soumya and Priya joined their respective colleges for further studies. They managed to take out time to meet up whenever they we back to Delhi in vacations or otherwise. We too had a gathering with rest of the pals pitching in. It was during this time was that unfortunate day when one misunderstanding led to a painful break up between Sums and Prips. We tried to help but it was in vain. They moved apart never to meet again. I really felt very pained at this as I my notion for true and perfect love was broken seeing them end everything so coldly. After that for next couple of years none of us met or had any knowledge of whereabouts of both of them.

Today when I told all this to Debashish he was amazed. He told us that we still lived in the dark-age as both Sums ans Prips had met again a few months back.....realised their faults and were together again once and for all. They had got engaged. I was speechless for a moment. Suddenly a whole barrage of feelings started coming through in my mind. I didn't know how to react to this sudden shock. I was immensely jubiliated to hear Sums and Prips being together again. Afterall love which is true....sincere and devoted always gets its way back. I eagerly sought to meet them and chalked out a plan for a reunion with him. We sat for some more time after that and then finally made our way back home. I dropped Debashish at his place and took towards my home.

On my way back I suddenly realised something. Amongst the seven pals each had found love in their lives. It was me who was still alone.....walking solitarily on the lonely and dark lanes of the world. Suddenly I felt as if I was really so poor inspite of all the worldly pleasures I had........

Then a face started coming up again and again in my mind. The only woman I had loved ever in my life. All her memories started bouncing back on me. Her voice seemed to echo in my ears. I was immediately teleported back to those days of my life. Suddenly a thought streaked across my mind...... Didn't I deserve a oppurtunity to go back and relive those moments again???? I wonder if that was when I was really living my life to its best. Right now its nothing but a bio-machinery at work, just carrying out the duties and responsibilities it laden on it. I do not have qualms in agreeing that I was unlucky ......... or maybe there are many more souls like me........walking and living in solitary confinements ........

My Interpretation of Kolkata

I happened to pass by an article by the famous writer and editor of the popular daily Hindustan Times. The article revisits his thinkings,feelings and his perspective about the culture and tradition of Kolkata. Reading this article prompted me to write a few words describing the importance and sheer hysteria that Kolkata spells on me.
Kolkata.....the name itself teleports me back in time during my school days when I would eagerly wait for my summers to begin. The first week of May meant its time to visit my native place, the place where my roots belonged. My father would arrange the reservations almost 2 months in advance but it was kept a closely guarded secret from me. It was always a week to two to the D-Day when I would come to know of the fact. Rather it were the preparations and shopping for gifts which gave me the idea initially before official confirmation by my mother.
A trip to Kolkata to me meant annual reunion with cousins,gifts and adoration from relatives,exotic food,trips on motor boats and launches on the river Ganges,a ride in the Metro Rail and Tram and last but not the least a month and half of unadulterated fun. It was something I longed for throughout the year.
There was definitely something about Kolkata that has always attracted me. The warmth and feeling of togetherness I got there was something I always lacked back here in Delhi. Though I was born and brought up here but still I always felt a sense of alienation. People ask me which place I like to be more associated with....Delhi or Kolkata. I somehow find it difficult to answer this question to my satisfaction. Delhi....the land I was born.....where since childhood I spent the most crucial years of my life and most probably will even take my last breath. This city gave me my identity....my status...everything I have or will have in near future. But still something....something just keeps eluding me.
I remember the other day I was watching a cookery show on TV. The host was doing rounds of the by lanes and streets of Kolkata and trying out some roadside stuffs like phuchkas,jhaal muri etc. Time and again the backdrop of the majestic Victoria Memorial,the imposing Howrah Bridge,the extremely holy Ganges,the epitome of faith and devotion Dakshineshwar Temple and many more such symbolic icons of Kolkata were shown. The host talked about the traditions of Kolkata,the people....their food habits....Durga Puja n so on. Every little detail he spoke about Kolkata made me feel so proud. It was a feeling that somebody was talking about and praising my land,my culture and my traditions. Maybe that's the reason why I love watching movies like Parineeta which outrightly show everything authentic about Kolkata,especially the beginning where the background voice of the legendary Amitabh Bachchan describes the Kolkata in 1960's.

Where am I going..........????

I ask this question to me several times. Where am I going..??? What am I doing...??? Why is there so much uncertainity in my life....??? I have several times tried to analyse these situations very deeply but then I find myself lost in a dungeon with no way out......!!!
Many of you might think why am I always writing hard hearted stuffs in my blog. All my writings and scribblings here exude a certain amount of repent in them as if I have always been a loser!!! But the truth is neither am I really feeling the pains of whatever happened to me nor do I write to gain sympathy from any quarters. Its just that writing comes to me whenever I am sad....let off.......pulled down.......or precisely IN A BAD MOOD!!!
I am not amongst those who believe in venting out their anger on someone else. Nor do I like to share my sorrows with anyone...a reason somewhat maybe because I have never found the right person to do so. The only way I can let go the heaviness in my mind is by writing......by trying to give shape to my thoughts in form of articles.It seems the best in me comes out when events turn tragic in and around me...........!!!

Ohhhh.....its my story!!!

I was thinking of writing on this topic for quite sometime. Infact had even jotted down a few sentences but then,something,pulled me back from venturing out into the arena. But finally today I guess, I have found out some reasons to go ahead.

To begin with, it will be intruiging for you guys to think which story am I referring to. For starters I should make it clear that it might seems a little kiddish to some of you......a little immature for some more and totally meaning less for the rest. But if you analyse deeply you would realise that indeed its a story of all or atleast some of us . Atleast I can really relate myself a lot to the facts being discussed.

Well I am talking about the comic character SPIDERMAN a.k.a PETER PARKER. An average ordinary high school student who suddenly aquires superhuman powers,inherits incomparable qualities and becomes a superhero. But what happens to his own self......his own life.....he fails to strike a balance between his normal self and his alter ego......he fails to live upto the relations......and finally he fails to even fulfil the expectations of the lady he loves. He has everything but still, lacks everything. Nothing seems to go his way......everything seems to be falling apart. Ultimately one fine day he loses his powers and reverts back to what he was.......but as he realizes his true inner self.........he strikes back more powerful and rejuvenized as ever.

This seems quite similar to what my life has been through all these years. From an average meek guy to a more powerful and authoritarian person.....this has been my transformation. But did I lose something in this process.....???? When I look back today I see more admirers than close friends....more aquaintances than close pals......and the girl I loved.....she too is gone!!!! I see everybody cheering me ......I see all the spot-light on me in the crowd....but still feel all alone!!! I see myself fulfilling other's wishes and dreams.......helping and supporting them when they need me....but what about me????? Whom should I turn to when there is a conflict going on within me........ Am I not supposed to get what I want.....what I wish for.....what I dream about...???? Maybe this question would keep haunting me for a long time to come.........

Several times I felt to be more selfish and self-centric. I wish to let free and unleash the dark .......the more powerful, aggressive and dominating side in me. Maybe while doing so, I might get all that I want......fulfill all my temptations.....and finally seek revenge on my foes by destroying them...... but eventually, I will lose myself and the compassion I was once known for. Nevertheless at this very thought the mind fights back and the compassion wins this battle raging within me . After all I was never supposed to be like this....I cannot let the dark force to get me from within.......because, we are what we choose to be!!! We do always have a choice.........

The Memoirs of my first love !!!!

Loneliness.......Betrayal......these were topics I wrote about in my last few articles. Before anybody start labelling me up as tragic or serious writer......I believe I should discuss some more lighter shades of my life. Some of those moments which touched me like gentle and fragrant breeze thereby leaving an indelible feeling. This article narrates the story regarding the first and only love till date of my life. The woman whom I found to fit appropiately into the mould of my dreamzzzzzz..........

This story dates back to the year 2003....when I was into second year of my college. I was doing mechanical engineering and had to travel a distance of almost 50kms to Greater noida to attend my college. We had a bus service running from Dhaula Kuan which touched most parts of South Delhi before crossing the Yamuna and moving into Uttar Pradesh. A lot of my batchmates from other branches accompanied in the bus. The journey generally used to be quite a fun for us. We used to play cards,precisely either Bluff or Rummy. I remember to have mastered the art of Bluffing quite nicely and became quite fond of amongst the girls as teaming up with me would ensure them a win. Apart from this churning out hit numbrs on the cd player,singing,dancing,cracking PJ's,teasing were some other activities quite prevalent . Some romantic involvements too kicked off during this time. Summation of all this can be easily percieved as one of the memorable journeys undertaken in life. This romantic encounter of mine too started on one such journey. The only difference being that the girl belonged to a different college and it took me almost a couple of years to start a conversation with her.

Prerna(name changed to preserve anonymity) as I would like to call her henceforth throughout in this article. I chose this name somewhat symbolically as she was indeed an inspiration of some sorts in my life.

There wasn't much in the name of daily conversations, though we greeted each other with a timely "Hi" or "Hello" everytime our we surpassed each other. The whole third semester passed and during fourth semester it was sessionals time in our college before final exams.

I still recollect that day.......we had our last exam of the highly crucial sessionals. I was 5:45 in the evening. As usual we all had gathered at a common spot from where we used to board our respective conveyances. She was there in front of me discussing something with her friend. I was busy messaging someone when the guy standing next to me made a loud comment regarding something . Suddenly my attention was drawn,.....I looked up and added a pun to it.....which led to a laugh riot amongst the people sitting next to us. Prerna too turned towards me and gave me a smile and her eyes flashed as she looked at me. For a moment everything seemed to have come to a halt around me. Everything around got blurred except her face. My eyes didn't blink for even a second......and I tried to regain myself back from that sudden impetus. What was this????? Why suddenly all the world seemed to be fading out all around me???? Why was I feeling ecstatic and hypnotized???? All through the journey I kept looking at her......managing to somehow not give her an obvious stare. My mind seemed to have been flying on the seventh heaven and was in no mood to descend back to earth. I was not able to think of anything else except for her. Soon she left but still my eyes were fixed on the place where she was sitting. My heart was pounding against my chest and I could feel the beats..........

Upon reaching home I headed straight to my room and locked myself in as I didn't want any interference for sometime. I recalled the whole event and tried to analyse the situation. This was something I was pretty used to for a long time.....all these smiles were regular offerings I got from the fairer side but, never before had I felt such an urge of responding to them.Something was unusually special about this smile.......something which seperates gold from bronze.......crystals from diamonds..........it was the cutest smile I had ever seen till date. The flash of the eyes seemed to quitely say something to me......something which would touch the soul and reveal itself. I began to think of this as an infactuation......an attraction towards a lady who was distinguished enough from others. So I decided to take sometime before drawing a conclusion about my feelings. Next few months passed by drawing inferences from my mental state and feelings every time I saw her. Each time the bus approached near her stop.......I went into a state of shock n awe.....for a moment I couldn't see anything else except her. Even the very mention of her name made my heart leap with joy. There was something about her which seperated the whole world from her......something which made her worthy of being respected and admired......something which had made me crazy about her......something which made me FALL FOR HER!!!! Yes, after months of speculations and judgements the verdict was out.....I WAS IN LOVE WITH HER!!! The only woman I have really loved till date.....the only woman I would have committed to without a second thought !!!!

Rest two years passed with me trying to muster courage to go upto her and start a conversation with her. The only thing that pulled me back was that I didn't want to impose myself on her. I wanted to have a meaningful oppurtunity in which I could strike a chat between us. Finally the almighty answered my prayers and I got her first message in the Diwali of 2005. That was the most brightest Diwali of my life till date. This was followed up by a second message and a call from her on 31st Dec'2005.....i.e on the New Year's eve. Though we chatted for approximately 3-4 minutes but obviously it was the best start I could have ever achieved to a brand new year. After that there was a never ending array of messages and calls between us. We shared a lot of stories and events between us. Subsequently I did reveal my feelings for her and she was very sweet to have taken all that in a good spirit. She questioned me on all the events that had happened and like a pre-recorded tape I narrated each and every event to her. I still remember ,she always used to say that "Amby,why are you so afraid of discussing things. If you won't tell me then how would I be able to know and understand your feelings". She was quite interested in knowing everything in detail and listened with utmost attention.After that our bonds grew even stronger. I shared each and every moment of happiness with her. But on the contrary deep in my mind I knew that to get into a relationship needs the consideration of a lot of other factors . I put forward my stand to her and she appreciated me a lot and said "I have started to respect you more for this,you are really a gem of a person". She too said to me that she didn't want a relationship as she had grown a distinctive dislike seeing her other siblings. In clear terms too I always knew that it was basically a one sided flow of feelings and emotions. But nevertheless the beautiful and divine friendship we had.....was much more than anything else. No other relation could have even matched up to its intensity. She was truly a Best Friend I could have ever had..........Today she is married and no one will be more content than me on seeing her happily settled. After all love is all about giving and not expecting anything in return. Its happiness and satisfaction which I had always wished for her and maybe I was always true in doing so.The reason my prayers were answered in Heavens!!!! She might not be a part of my life today as I would have dreamt .......she might not be the woman I would have loved to see as my wife.....but nonetheless her memories will linger throughout till my last breath.:-)

Loneliness......the real truth behind it !!!

Well this post is regarding a topic which many people view and fear from their own perspectives. Actually its age which has an effect on the respective outlooks.But is loneliness really an issue to be thought and talked about so much. Well if you ask me I would say it has been my only trusted companion for the last 24 years on this planet.

I know many of you will be a little rustic or flabbergasted to read this line from me. But believe me I see no point in sitting back and cribbing at the state of loneliness. I agree at times we can't handle the sudden situational outburst of emotions in us......its the time when we seek someone who would be a consort......a shoulder on which we can rest and support ourselves and let the tides pass by. But what if we don't get such a person who would understand the gravity of the situation and react accordingly. One whose touch would be the buffer taking off all the stress and give a soothing effect to our mind. Should we just lay off on any person we find with a few words of consolation.....who seems to show nothing else but sympathy towards us???? The answer is NO!!!

I know many people have taken this stand of mine as my Arrogance. They feel I am stubborn enough not to accept people who sympathise with me......who just console me to accept the situations and happenings as a part of my destiny!!!! But .....I am not affected by the way others presume and define me. All these years of existence in this world has taught me a lot......maybe the Evolution Theory of Charles Darwin at its best..........

I have evolved from the naive and vulnerable species I was once......I have come in terms with this world and understood the reality of human nature. All these reasons contribute to my saying that Loneliness is not a Virtue....its a Bliss!!! Rather than getting the company of mindless chatterboxes its better to remain alone in solitude and seek out the divine relation with God. Someone who will alwayzz guide you on the right path and will hold you before you fall. Being lonely gives you the best oppurtunity to Criticise yourself.......and as the saying goes Criticism is the way to Success. You are in a better position to evaluate and realise your faults and take learnings from them. Being lonely gives you an insight to many things which would otherwise had slipped out of your notice. Being lonely gives you a chance to heal and recuperate better.....learn new activities an enhance your skill levels.It gives you the strength to be bold enough to take tough decisions and lowers your dependence level on others. It gives you the power to think deeply.......out of which arises the power to think wisely as your thoughts will be solely responsible for your upliftment or downfall.

Finally to conclude this article I would say nonetheless we all need someone.....someone special in life to share and to have a feeling of togetherness but......until we find that right person....the one we can TRUST.....the one we can BELIEVE in.....its better to be the best of pals with our loneliness as in any case......it will never TREACHEROUS nor will it BETRAY or INFLICT PAINS upon us.......!!!!