Where am I going..........????

I ask this question to me several times. Where am I going..??? What am I doing...??? Why is there so much uncertainity in my life....??? I have several times tried to analyse these situations very deeply but then I find myself lost in a dungeon with no way out......!!!
Many of you might think why am I always writing hard hearted stuffs in my blog. All my writings and scribblings here exude a certain amount of repent in them as if I have always been a loser!!! But the truth is neither am I really feeling the pains of whatever happened to me nor do I write to gain sympathy from any quarters. Its just that writing comes to me whenever I am sad....let off.......pulled down.......or precisely IN A BAD MOOD!!!
I am not amongst those who believe in venting out their anger on someone else. Nor do I like to share my sorrows with anyone...a reason somewhat maybe because I have never found the right person to do so. The only way I can let go the heaviness in my mind is by writing......by trying to give shape to my thoughts in form of articles.It seems the best in me comes out when events turn tragic in and around me...........!!!

Ohhhh.....its my story!!!

I was thinking of writing on this topic for quite sometime. Infact had even jotted down a few sentences but then,something,pulled me back from venturing out into the arena. But finally today I guess, I have found out some reasons to go ahead.

To begin with, it will be intruiging for you guys to think which story am I referring to. For starters I should make it clear that it might seems a little kiddish to some of you......a little immature for some more and totally meaning less for the rest. But if you analyse deeply you would realise that indeed its a story of all or atleast some of us . Atleast I can really relate myself a lot to the facts being discussed.

Well I am talking about the comic character SPIDERMAN a.k.a PETER PARKER. An average ordinary high school student who suddenly aquires superhuman powers,inherits incomparable qualities and becomes a superhero. But what happens to his own self......his own life.....he fails to strike a balance between his normal self and his alter ego......he fails to live upto the relations......and finally he fails to even fulfil the expectations of the lady he loves. He has everything but still, lacks everything. Nothing seems to go his way......everything seems to be falling apart. Ultimately one fine day he loses his powers and reverts back to what he was.......but as he realizes his true inner self.........he strikes back more powerful and rejuvenized as ever.

This seems quite similar to what my life has been through all these years. From an average meek guy to a more powerful and authoritarian person.....this has been my transformation. But did I lose something in this process.....???? When I look back today I see more admirers than close friends....more aquaintances than close pals......and the girl I loved.....she too is gone!!!! I see everybody cheering me ......I see all the spot-light on me in the crowd....but still feel all alone!!! I see myself fulfilling other's wishes and dreams.......helping and supporting them when they need me....but what about me????? Whom should I turn to when there is a conflict going on within me........ Am I not supposed to get what I want.....what I wish for.....what I dream about...???? Maybe this question would keep haunting me for a long time to come.........

Several times I felt to be more selfish and self-centric. I wish to let free and unleash the dark .......the more powerful, aggressive and dominating side in me. Maybe while doing so, I might get all that I want......fulfill all my temptations.....and finally seek revenge on my foes by destroying them...... but eventually, I will lose myself and the compassion I was once known for. Nevertheless at this very thought the mind fights back and the compassion wins this battle raging within me . After all I was never supposed to be like this....I cannot let the dark force to get me from within.......because, we are what we choose to be!!! We do always have a choice.........

The Memoirs of my first love !!!!

Loneliness.......Betrayal......these were topics I wrote about in my last few articles. Before anybody start labelling me up as tragic or serious writer......I believe I should discuss some more lighter shades of my life. Some of those moments which touched me like gentle and fragrant breeze thereby leaving an indelible feeling. This article narrates the story regarding the first and only love till date of my life. The woman whom I found to fit appropiately into the mould of my dreamzzzzzz..........

This story dates back to the year 2003....when I was into second year of my college. I was doing mechanical engineering and had to travel a distance of almost 50kms to Greater noida to attend my college. We had a bus service running from Dhaula Kuan which touched most parts of South Delhi before crossing the Yamuna and moving into Uttar Pradesh. A lot of my batchmates from other branches accompanied in the bus. The journey generally used to be quite a fun for us. We used to play cards,precisely either Bluff or Rummy. I remember to have mastered the art of Bluffing quite nicely and became quite fond of amongst the girls as teaming up with me would ensure them a win. Apart from this churning out hit numbrs on the cd player,singing,dancing,cracking PJ's,teasing were some other activities quite prevalent . Some romantic involvements too kicked off during this time. Summation of all this can be easily percieved as one of the memorable journeys undertaken in life. This romantic encounter of mine too started on one such journey. The only difference being that the girl belonged to a different college and it took me almost a couple of years to start a conversation with her.

Prerna(name changed to preserve anonymity) as I would like to call her henceforth throughout in this article. I chose this name somewhat symbolically as she was indeed an inspiration of some sorts in my life.

There wasn't much in the name of daily conversations, though we greeted each other with a timely "Hi" or "Hello" everytime our we surpassed each other. The whole third semester passed and during fourth semester it was sessionals time in our college before final exams.

I still recollect that day.......we had our last exam of the highly crucial sessionals. I was 5:45 in the evening. As usual we all had gathered at a common spot from where we used to board our respective conveyances. She was there in front of me discussing something with her friend. I was busy messaging someone when the guy standing next to me made a loud comment regarding something . Suddenly my attention was drawn,.....I looked up and added a pun to it.....which led to a laugh riot amongst the people sitting next to us. Prerna too turned towards me and gave me a smile and her eyes flashed as she looked at me. For a moment everything seemed to have come to a halt around me. Everything around got blurred except her face. My eyes didn't blink for even a second......and I tried to regain myself back from that sudden impetus. What was this????? Why suddenly all the world seemed to be fading out all around me???? Why was I feeling ecstatic and hypnotized???? All through the journey I kept looking at her......managing to somehow not give her an obvious stare. My mind seemed to have been flying on the seventh heaven and was in no mood to descend back to earth. I was not able to think of anything else except for her. Soon she left but still my eyes were fixed on the place where she was sitting. My heart was pounding against my chest and I could feel the beats..........

Upon reaching home I headed straight to my room and locked myself in as I didn't want any interference for sometime. I recalled the whole event and tried to analyse the situation. This was something I was pretty used to for a long time.....all these smiles were regular offerings I got from the fairer side but, never before had I felt such an urge of responding to them.Something was unusually special about this smile.......something which seperates gold from bronze.......crystals from diamonds..........it was the cutest smile I had ever seen till date. The flash of the eyes seemed to quitely say something to me......something which would touch the soul and reveal itself. I began to think of this as an infactuation......an attraction towards a lady who was distinguished enough from others. So I decided to take sometime before drawing a conclusion about my feelings. Next few months passed by drawing inferences from my mental state and feelings every time I saw her. Each time the bus approached near her stop.......I went into a state of shock n awe.....for a moment I couldn't see anything else except her. Even the very mention of her name made my heart leap with joy. There was something about her which seperated the whole world from her......something which made her worthy of being respected and admired......something which had made me crazy about her......something which made me FALL FOR HER!!!! Yes, after months of speculations and judgements the verdict was out.....I WAS IN LOVE WITH HER!!! The only woman I have really loved till date.....the only woman I would have committed to without a second thought !!!!

Rest two years passed with me trying to muster courage to go upto her and start a conversation with her. The only thing that pulled me back was that I didn't want to impose myself on her. I wanted to have a meaningful oppurtunity in which I could strike a chat between us. Finally the almighty answered my prayers and I got her first message in the Diwali of 2005. That was the most brightest Diwali of my life till date. This was followed up by a second message and a call from her on 31st Dec'2005.....i.e on the New Year's eve. Though we chatted for approximately 3-4 minutes but obviously it was the best start I could have ever achieved to a brand new year. After that there was a never ending array of messages and calls between us. We shared a lot of stories and events between us. Subsequently I did reveal my feelings for her and she was very sweet to have taken all that in a good spirit. She questioned me on all the events that had happened and like a pre-recorded tape I narrated each and every event to her. I still remember ,she always used to say that "Amby,why are you so afraid of discussing things. If you won't tell me then how would I be able to know and understand your feelings". She was quite interested in knowing everything in detail and listened with utmost attention.After that our bonds grew even stronger. I shared each and every moment of happiness with her. But on the contrary deep in my mind I knew that to get into a relationship needs the consideration of a lot of other factors . I put forward my stand to her and she appreciated me a lot and said "I have started to respect you more for this,you are really a gem of a person". She too said to me that she didn't want a relationship as she had grown a distinctive dislike seeing her other siblings. In clear terms too I always knew that it was basically a one sided flow of feelings and emotions. But nevertheless the beautiful and divine friendship we had.....was much more than anything else. No other relation could have even matched up to its intensity. She was truly a Best Friend I could have ever had..........Today she is married and no one will be more content than me on seeing her happily settled. After all love is all about giving and not expecting anything in return. Its happiness and satisfaction which I had always wished for her and maybe I was always true in doing so.The reason my prayers were answered in Heavens!!!! She might not be a part of my life today as I would have dreamt .......she might not be the woman I would have loved to see as my wife.....but nonetheless her memories will linger throughout till my last breath.:-)

Loneliness......the real truth behind it !!!

Well this post is regarding a topic which many people view and fear from their own perspectives. Actually its age which has an effect on the respective outlooks.But is loneliness really an issue to be thought and talked about so much. Well if you ask me I would say it has been my only trusted companion for the last 24 years on this planet.

I know many of you will be a little rustic or flabbergasted to read this line from me. But believe me I see no point in sitting back and cribbing at the state of loneliness. I agree at times we can't handle the sudden situational outburst of emotions in us......its the time when we seek someone who would be a consort......a shoulder on which we can rest and support ourselves and let the tides pass by. But what if we don't get such a person who would understand the gravity of the situation and react accordingly. One whose touch would be the buffer taking off all the stress and give a soothing effect to our mind. Should we just lay off on any person we find with a few words of consolation.....who seems to show nothing else but sympathy towards us???? The answer is NO!!!

I know many people have taken this stand of mine as my Arrogance. They feel I am stubborn enough not to accept people who sympathise with me......who just console me to accept the situations and happenings as a part of my destiny!!!! But .....I am not affected by the way others presume and define me. All these years of existence in this world has taught me a lot......maybe the Evolution Theory of Charles Darwin at its best..........

I have evolved from the naive and vulnerable species I was once......I have come in terms with this world and understood the reality of human nature. All these reasons contribute to my saying that Loneliness is not a Virtue....its a Bliss!!! Rather than getting the company of mindless chatterboxes its better to remain alone in solitude and seek out the divine relation with God. Someone who will alwayzz guide you on the right path and will hold you before you fall. Being lonely gives you the best oppurtunity to Criticise yourself.......and as the saying goes Criticism is the way to Success. You are in a better position to evaluate and realise your faults and take learnings from them. Being lonely gives you an insight to many things which would otherwise had slipped out of your notice. Being lonely gives you a chance to heal and recuperate better.....learn new activities an enhance your skill levels.It gives you the strength to be bold enough to take tough decisions and lowers your dependence level on others. It gives you the power to think deeply.......out of which arises the power to think wisely as your thoughts will be solely responsible for your upliftment or downfall.

Finally to conclude this article I would say nonetheless we all need someone.....someone special in life to share and to have a feeling of togetherness but......until we find that right person....the one we can TRUST.....the one we can BELIEVE in.....its better to be the best of pals with our loneliness as in any case......it will never TREACHEROUS nor will it BETRAY or INFLICT PAINS upon us.......!!!!

Betrayal.......an outcome of Expectations

Its really surprising that people can be so materialistic in this world. Though some would argue this thought of mine with instances and aquaintances of their own......but the underlined matter remains unchanged. It depends on a person's perspective. Some are practical enough to keep most of their relations superficial like business deals.....however what about people like us!!! People who believe in keeping relations as a long term attachment.....a long term commitment.
While the former develop groups and connections the latter species at the end of it all get what was least expected.......Betrayal!!!!
The very word chills down the warmth of heart and mind. The emotions and feelings are not only hurt....they are left tortured.....twisted and demented!!!! But why does this happen to us?????? This is a question that looms large on our minds long after.........answer to which is never found or deduced from the large permutations and combinations we do later regarding our actions....thoughts and emotions.
I am a victim of such situations....so I can fully relate myself to this post.
This has not happened to me once or twice but innumerable times. Just when I start believing ....just when I start trusting.....all that is shattered to pieces so relentlessly that I can't even collect the bits and pieces of my emotions.
Tears sometimes flow down my eyes thinking why does happen to me always. Why am I the one always targetted??? Why am I the one who inspite of sincerity and faith gets nothing in return??? The answer does lie in one of my questions..... EXPECTATION!!! I think instead of thinking so much what I should ask to myself is that Why do i expect???? But then again I know its human nature. Everyone in this world expects something or the other. Even our prayers to God are filled with Expectations. I say its not unfair to Expect after all insanity would prevail in this world without it. But do we Expect from the right person?????
This is a question which people like me need to rethink over and over again. I know someone would say that in Gita, Lord Krishna said....."Do your actions without Expecting an outcome" but then again even the Pandavas expected a win out of the Epic war in Mahabharata. So its justified to Expect but the way we do it is important.
Coming back to the topic......I must say I am quite an emotional person. It takes me sometime to gel with people as years of betrayal as hardened me somehow from the top. But deep inside its still soft and tender. Those who manage to break through the top shell devour the inner core to their satisfaction and then throw me at the most dingy and meanest corner of
their lives. When this happens the only thing that remains is to sit back and wonder what went wrong on my part. Sometimes the mind asks to get back and apologise for the mistakes......sometimes it advises to selflessly turn around to those people. The latter is what I am trying to get used to these days. The latest pain inflicted upon me was when I was ripped apart by the materialistic attitude of the person I considered my best friend for more than a decade. I wonder even after being together for so much time....how can one be so mean,rude and selfish???? How can he utilise you to iron out all his problems and then blame you to be a proud n egoistic brat???? How could I be egoistic to a person I have been with for so long.....a person whom I thought to be my closest ally!!!
Maybe this is what the reality is.....you are just scented tissue papers to them which are thrown off once they lose their fragrance. Those who have come in terms with this aspect have learnt the way to deal with them.......but what about me.....I still have not come in terms with the reality. That's why I keep committing this mistake time and again. Is this my simplicity or my arrogance of not accepting the true fact which is responsible for this....something which still remains to be answered. Somehow....Sometimes I fail to gauge the true story behind smiling faces and sweet words. Maybe its high time I stopped expecting even the slightest from people......and even if in the process of doing so, voice them out loudly to the person so that the true self comes out at the earliest!!!!
I have been crashed and burnt several timessss......but now I will rise from my ashes....more determined than before!!!!!

My First Crush.......one that blew me over!!!!

Well.....its been long I really looked back and thought about this incident.
An incident which if I remember well had a deep impact on my life and thoughts. The story dates back to the early 90's precisely 1994-95,when I was in about to move into sixth standard. The final exams results were out and I had scored brilliantly in the 90's. Dad n Mom showered their love and gifts over me and I got ready to face a new class,new challenge and new curriculum. New uniform was in place,books were purchased and covered with brown paper and b'ful stickers on them.....a new bag was ready to embark with me on this new journey.....and I eagerly waited for the school to reopen!!!!
The first day of school...............
I was very enthusiastic to reach as fast as I could.....the school bus arrived...the usual chocolate coloured bus with b'fuly crafted seats. I was at the stand much before time with dreamzzz in my eyes.
Upon reaching school I made a dash for the central lounge to make out the new location of my class. I saw a few mates of mine and followed them. Soon I reached Standard 6th.......all my old frnzzz were there....they greeeted with a warm welcome.......handshakes were exchanged.....I looked out for a seat for myself and placed my bag and bottle. Then I went around to have a look at the class.....the chart board where remnants of artwork made by the previous occupants were lying as if their rule over them for the last one year was over. I looked out of the window and inspected the view. Then I came and joined a gang of my friends who were standing at the door. Heated discussions were going on over the new movie.....the latest match results etc etc. I joined in with my own views hoping to come out all guns blazing!!! Not even for a single moment did I know that in the next 5 minutes my life was going to change .......my thoughts will be touched and my heart would be stolen without even a slightest hint to me!!!!
I remember I was chatting with Nikhil and Abhishek when a beautiful face streamed across my eyes. I turned back hastily to take a second look......Dressed in our uniform without a tie.....collar spread widely over the sweater....... blue band pulling back beautiful curly hairs......deep fish like eyes with oodles of innocence in them....light pink,thin and shapely lips pressed under the teeth in confusion........with slightly dark complexion.....was a beautiful young lady (I would rather prefer to call her "A")
She was talking to Nikhil....I quickly moved towards him to listen to the conversation and take a closer look at her......Ohhh!!! Gosh I admit.....even while writing these lines shivers are running down my spine........
The conversation was regarding the location of 6th standard as she was a new entrant to our school. I still remember these lines which came out in a sweet sugary voice......
A: Excuse me!! Kya aap mujhe 6th class kahan hai bata sakte hain......
Nikhil: Well aapko 5th chaiye ya 6th.....
A: Dekhiye main pehle 5th mein thi...
Nikhil: To ab 6th mein jaaiye......
With this he showed her the way in to the class. I wonder what was I doing by just standing like a statue besides him. I had a wonderful oppurtunity to talk to her which just slipped out of my hands. Anyways the next few days were spent just by waiting for her to come to the class and look at her whenever possible. I joined the same SUPW and Activities class in which she was there as I didn't want to lose even a single oppurtunity of admiring her beauty and elegance!!!
She was a brilliant student and amongst the top scorers......so academically I did have a good impresson in her eyes. I remember those days I worked even harded to stay ahead of everyone in my class. Maybe I was trying to eliminate all possible competition I might have faced.
Destiny does play a decisive role in our lives. Unlike every other class ours was a little biased about girls. Sitting with girls was never an option for the boys. They would rather sit on the ground rather than share a seat with some girl. Those who did were taunted so badly that some of them would have grown a distinctive dislike for girls even till today. Our then class teacher Ms. Pankaj took over this responsibility to remove this bias. I remember one day she made a team of students who were asked to stay back during the prayers. The purpose was to assist her in changing the whole seating arrangement in the class. Luckily and what I would have in true sense called God's grace I got a seat with "A"......that was the happiest moment of my life. I quickly wrapped up the arrangements with m'aam and was waiting eagerly for prayers to get over. I kept my bag aside.....cleaned the desk and was ready to welcome my new seating partner!!! Like an archived movie the incident still flashes in front of my eyes.......the queue of our class was visible on the horizon.....the time was ticking like a bomb.......my heart beats were running faster than Lippanzer's Stallions......I saw "A" coming into the class....her eyes fixed on me.....a little suspicion....a little surprise....about the new seating arrangement. I looked at her and my eyes got fixed on her.......a moment I had waited eagerly for so long!!!!!!

Though my happiness was not long lived as the seating arrangement was changed later due to arrogant nature of the boys but still those few moments were precious to me.

One year passed......we noticed each other but none of us could muster the courage to go up to each other and chat up......she was more engrossed amongst the girls and I was tied down amongst boys. All I last remember is that she left the school in 7th.....when I came to class the first day I was disheartened to see her absent. Months passed but she never returned. I somehow managed to get hold of the atendance register from the school office to check the matter. Earth moved from beneath my feet when I came to know that she had left the school ......how I expected to have a last view of her but maybe I was not destined or lucky enough for that. I joined just a day later as I returned late from my vacations to Kolkata.She disappeared in this world never to return again........though my memories with her were short lived.....they left a silver streak on my mind........an impeccable mark making her worthy enough to be called THE FIRST CRUSH OF MY LIFE!!!!!